The terror I never felt before

I stood over his bed in the dark and could just make out his tiny little hands and face in the glow of the lamp light. He had been sleeping soundly for about ten minutes, his warm body cradled against me. My little baby was only two weeks old.


It’s hard to describe the wave of emotions that swept over me ushering me into mommyhood… The strongest was this protective kind of love. It was this heart wrenching feeling when he cried that I just wanted him to know everything was ok, mommy and daddy loved him. An overwhelming feeling that no matter what happened, I would do whatever it took to keep him safe and well.

I guess what you would call the mama bear instinct.

What surprisingly came with this love was also a fear. A fear I had never felt before, this terror that something might happen to him. He was so little and fragile and the thought of anything happening to him just about killed me. My stomach would turn into knots, it was hard to breathe. I first recognized this fear then, when he was two weeks old.

Have you ever felt a fear creep in on you? My fear felt almost paralyzing. And then I knew I had a choice. I could either let it control me, or do the dirty work of dealing with it.

I knew deep in my heart I had to give the fear to God.

So I stood there in the glow of the lamp light, taking in all of  his tiny little features that needed my protection… and I prayed. I asked that the Lord would give me grace to hold this little one loosely. For grace to open my mama bear paws and put my baby back in His Heavenly Father’s hands.

My baby is mine to steward, not to possess.

I had to give my baby to God. I knew I had to trust God with him. God gave me Wilder as a gift and stewardship, and his life is ultimately in His hands. Which is exactly where it should be.

Because there’s no place more safe or secure.

Are you struggling with a fear in your life? Maybe you don’t have kids, maybe it’s something else. Do you have fear of letting go of a situation because you feel like it’s something you can’t trust God with? My dear friend, give it to the One who made you. He is faithful, and He is trustworthy.

I’m praying for you. Give it to Him.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear…” Matthew 6:25 (NIV)

If you’ve made up your mind to give a fear to God, I would love to hear about it & pray for you… We’re all in this together!

If this blog post tugged on your heart strings, you have a friend with a new baby, or you feel like someone might be encouraged by this post, please share  on social media below!

Hugs! Suzy

Lettering by Cari of Sunlettering

My friend Cari of Sunlettering teamed up with me to create these beautiful shareable verse reminders. Feel free to instagram or pin to pinterest, just tag @suzyvandyke & @sunlettering in the post so we can see!




3 thoughts on “The terror I never felt before”

  1. Hi Suzy! Thanks for sharing this…I went through the same thing (experiencing a brand new fear) when Caleb was born. Your thoughts are really similar to some I shared a few months back. It’s been an amazing growing experience for me and I’m so thankful we do have a God we can give our fears to!

    Btw, love your new blog!! 🙂

    1. Thanks so much Abby! Isn’t it crazy what being a new mom brings?! Hope to see you and little Caleb soon 😉 Oh, and Wilder is now crawling and pulling himself up!!

  2. This was a timely post for me. With my second pregnancy this time around I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. At first I felt guilty, then I felt like this was a blessing from God in disguise because it was an opportunity to learn how to be a good steward of my body and eat and exercise better for myself and for baby, and build life long discipline and good habits. I praise God for good blood sugar numbers so far because the fear with GD is having an unhealthily too large baby. But at my last prenatal appointment I was super discouraged because I had high levels of ketones in my urine, which basically means I wasn’t getting enough calories/carbs to eat and ketones could be bad for the baby’s brain. I knew I had high ketones before we left for a family vacation and I worked so hard to enjoy eating more on vacation but it seems that it still wasn’t enough. My midwife had (unintentionally) made me feel like I wasn’t taking this seriously when I really had made intentional effort to eat more, record every bite that went into my mouth, and still try to keep the blood sugar stable. It was discouraging that I had worked so hard and it didn’t seem to be quite enough yet, but it was also a humbling reminder that instead of relying on myself it is God who is our Creator and is knitting my baby boy in the womb and has already numbered all his days (Ps 139). Though I was crying after my appointment I feel so much better now giving this fear up to the Lord. I know that it’s up to me to try my best, but then trust God with the rest. We all hope for our babes to be alright and 100% healthy in the end, but even if there are bumps or problems in the end or after he is born I can still rest in knowing that God is in control and loves my little boy more than I do.

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