The Photo I Never Thought I’d Share

Yesterday was our beautiful son, Wilder Freedom’s first birthday. It’s nostalgic and sweet remembering all the little things he has accomplished in one year, like smiling,  crawling, and saying mama, dadda; and all the adventures we have had together as a family even in his short little life span.

But one moment stands the starkest in my mind.

The moment I first laid eyes on my son.

This is the moment that hundreds of mothers had told me leading up to birth was the most beautiful moment they had ever experienced. That their body was filled with a rush of love hormones that was indescribable.

That they were struck with such a deep love that it was inexplainable, and other-worldly.

So naturally I was kind of expecting that to happen to me.

I mean, I had done months of preparation for my drug free home birth, and my labor and delivery went very well.

After pushing for an hour I couldn’t believe it all was over, I had reached the finish line, and here was the little baby I had been bonding with while he was in my tummy for nine months.

So the moment came – the last push, my midwife placed him into my arms…

And I looked at my son. His little scrunchy eyes. His tiny little face. My eyes opened wide and I turned to my husband and said,

“This is so weird.”

Most women use the words Beautiful, Wonderful, Indescribable, & Heart wrenching to describe the feeling of first looking at their child.

My word of choice was Weird.


How I really felt when I first looked at my son.

It’s hard to describe how I felt – a bit terrified, in awe, and shocked. I didn’t feel like this was “my baby” that had just been in my tummy.

I felt like I was holding a little alien that had been placed in my arms and that I was now responsible for. I didn’t know what to do next.

Luckily I had a husband to pat me on the head and tell me good job. 😉

It didn’t feel at all like I thought it was going to. And that’s ok. My body had just gone through ALOT getting this little guy into the world, my hormones were all over the place, and shortly after holding my little son I would almost faint.

I never liked showing this photo to people because I felt a little guilty that I didn’t have this amazing reaction to my amazing little son.

But now I feel differently.

It’s ok. It’s ok to have a different experience than everyone else.

And it’s good to be honest about that and hopefully encourage people after you who have similar situations so that they don’t feel alone, abnormal, or like a bad mother.

I love my little guy with all my heart. For me it was a love that steadily grew in the hours and days and even months after birth as I got to hold him, spend time with him and get to know who he is.

Now I can’t imagine my life without him and he truly holds my heart. But that’s not how it felt at first. And that’s ok.

If this encouraged you and you have any Mama Friends expecting their first baby, please SHARE!

What about you? What was it like when you saw your baby for the first time?




10 thoughts on “The Photo I Never Thought I’d Share”

  1. i have always wanted to share a blog post about my experience with having my son. he’s three now so i’m a little late. but i had a horrible birth experience and so when i FINALLY got my son placed on me, so i could bond with him, i started to cry because i just wanted to sleep. i felt guilty that after only a few minutes i wanted them to take him so i didn’t have to tell them to. i never asked them to take him away. i didn’t REALLY want them to but part of me did and i felt so guilty about it. glad i’m not the only one who didn’t feel like the whole situation wasn’t completely bizarre in some ways! i don’t share that with many people. but i’m glad you shared your experience! i need to share mine still. maybe when i’m done editing my last couple of sessions for the year. 🙂

    1. Thanks for sharing Kasey! I think it’s just so helpful isn’t it? When you write out that story make sure to share it with me 😉 Merry Christmas!!! <3 <3

  2. I love your honesty! I feel like I may be the same way when our first arrives. Who knows of course but it’s so good to hear that every mom’s experience is different so I need not feel bad if I am not immediately overcome with a rush of love hormones when I first lay eyes on our girl. Thank you for blogging about this!

    1. I’m glad you were encouraged, I can’t wait to meet your little one! You are going to be such wonderful parents 🙂

  3. Thanks for your honesty, Suzy! I feel like I’ve already experienced these guilty, “why am I feeling this way” feelings in relation to dating, engagement, marriage, and being a new pregnant mommy. I’m learning to be patient with myself and my emotions, and to be honest with myself and God about how I feel. And as I prepare for this whole mommy thing, I’ll keep your story in mind 🙂 we’re not alone!

  4. I felt the same way! I was like, “who is this stranger?” I think I expected her to look more like me or Kwacha. And then you have to start feeding them which is also new and weird. I think the overwhelming love came quickly that day, but the first few moments were surreal. Happy birthday Wilder!

  5. When my son was born, it all happened so fast and they had to stitch me up quite a bit – my husband was my photographer with his phone, and in his series of pics is a horrible face of pain as I endured a pin-prick. Lol! And even moments after the birth, I was so tired like the Kasey above, that I had my husband do A LOT while we were in the hospital. I feel guilty about it, too, that I didn’t want to hold him all the time… And sometimes I feel like he bonded with dad way more in those early days than with me, and I get a little jealous even though it was my doing… Thanks for your story. And that picture is beautiful! Your expression definitely conveys your moment of “this is weird” (because it is!), but it also shows your wonderment ? that’s what I see.

    1. I think Wilder bonded with his daddy a ton those first weeks too, and I think you’re right we should be thankful for it 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story Amanda!

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