Yesterday was our beautiful son, Wilder Freedom’s first birthday. It’s nostalgic and sweet remembering all the little things he has accomplished in one year, like smiling, crawling, and saying mama, dadda; and all the adventures we have had together as a family even in his short little life span.
But one moment stands the starkest in my mind.
The moment I first laid eyes on my son.
This is the moment that hundreds of mothers had told me leading up to birth was the most beautiful moment they had ever experienced. That their body was filled with a rush of love hormones that was indescribable.
That they were struck with such a deep love that it was inexplainable, and other-worldly.
So naturally I was kind of expecting that to happen to me.
I mean, I had done months of preparation for my drug free home birth, and my labor and delivery went very well.
After pushing for an hour I couldn’t believe it all was over, I had reached the finish line, and here was the little baby I had been bonding with while he was in my tummy for nine months.
So the moment came – the last push, my midwife placed him into my arms…
And I looked at my son. His little scrunchy eyes. His tiny little face. My eyes opened wide and I turned to my husband and said,
“This is so weird.”
Most women use the words Beautiful, Wonderful, Indescribable, & Heart wrenching to describe the feeling of first looking at their child.
My word of choice was Weird.
How I really felt when I first looked at my son.
It’s hard to describe how I felt – a bit terrified, in awe, and shocked. I didn’t feel like this was “my baby” that had just been in my tummy.
I felt like I was holding a little alien that had been placed in my arms and that I was now responsible for. I didn’t know what to do next.
Luckily I had a husband to pat me on the head and tell me good job. 😉
It didn’t feel at all like I thought it was going to. And that’s ok. My body had just gone through ALOT getting this little guy into the world, my hormones were all over the place, and shortly after holding my little son I would almost faint.
I never liked showing this photo to people because I felt a little guilty that I didn’t have this amazing reaction to my amazing little son.
But now I feel differently.
It’s ok. It’s ok to have a different experience than everyone else.
And it’s good to be honest about that and hopefully encourage people after you who have similar situations so that they don’t feel alone, abnormal, or like a bad mother.
I love my little guy with all my heart. For me it was a love that steadily grew in the hours and days and even months after birth as I got to hold him, spend time with him and get to know who he is.
Now I can’t imagine my life without him and he truly holds my heart. But that’s not how it felt at first. And that’s ok.
If this encouraged you and you have any Mama Friends expecting their first baby, please SHARE!
What about you? What was it like when you saw your baby for the first time?