Today I could talk about how we are packing and finishing last minute tasks in preparation for leaving the country for two months TOMORROW.
Or I could talk about a number of things God’s been teaching me that have been rattling around in my head lately.
But instead what I feel like I need to share is a conversation Lukas and I had three days ago. A hard yet simple conversation that lifted a heavy burden off of my shoulders. Swept a breath of fresh air across us both.
And has been keeping my heart singing ever since.
This month Lukas and I celebrated six years of marriage.
If you asked me two weeks ago how we were doing, I would say we were good. And I would mean it. But there was a hidden sadness deep in my heart. I didn’t know where it stemmed from, and I kept pushing it away, telling myself I needed to let it go.
But still it lingered. It lingered like a tiny little splinter that breaks off in your thumb and you thought you got it out but there’s just a little left you can’t see. So when it hurts you try not to think about it because you thought you’d already dealt with it.
You think it’s going to heal but there is still just a little left you need to scrape out.
I prayed and asked God why I felt sad. And after pondering and asking myself some hard questions I realized what it was. Don’t you love when God gives you that? He knows our heart so much better than we do.
There was a misunderstanding months and months ago… 10 months ago to be exact. Right after Wilder was born. And I knew it was a miscommunication and I thought I had forgiven Lukas, and moved on…but that little misunderstanding had started a constant drip in our marriage that slowly grew into a deep puddle and led to a feeling like I couldn’t quite trust him as much as I thought I could.
These are subtle deceptions, hidden beliefs you have about something that doesn’t show up until all of a sudden you find yourself lashing out, or like me, just plain sad and not knowing why.
Lukas and I sat together in his back little office in the glow of the lamp light thankful baby was asleep. We talked for over an hour, talked through the situation, what he had been thinking, how I could have communicated better, how we could prevent it in the future. I cried, and he held me, and we asked forgiveness to God and eachother, and prayed together.
And you know what. That time was one of the SWEETEST times in my marriage so far.
Marriage can seem “good” when everything is rainbows and butterflies (is it ever really??). But walking through the hard situations and being brave enough to be completely honest with eachother, yet humble enough to listen and learn- those situations build trust. Walking through the struggles in a godly way builds a strong foundation.
And it is scary and difficult and you will see lots of ugly sin and selfishness. But it’s so worth it.
So now, six years after marriage, I love Lukas more than ever. He is a man committed to doing what is right. Committed to me and Wilder. Most importantly committed to honoring Jesus with his life. He wants to learn how to love me better, and when I hear him say that I just cry because I never thought I would get a man like that.
So in celebration of six years of marriage… I share this story with you.
I want to encourage you to think about your marriage, and ask God to show you if there are any little deceptions that have crept in unnoticed and taken root. Be brave, be humble, be honest. There is so much HOPE my friend.
And for fun, here are some of my favorite wedding photos!!! I can’t believe it’s been six years! Thank you Bill Blakey! Weren’t we little? 🙂
If this post encouraged you I would LOVE to hear from you in the comments below!!!!