My body tightened up, I took a deep breath, and felt the anger filling me.
I tried to stop it. I tried to let go of the tension building in the back of my neck. But it kept growing.
Because no matter what I did he wouldn’t stop crying.
Snuggles. Rocking. Milk. His bed. My bed.
He wouldn’t stop crying…
And I was soooooooo tired.
Now hang on for a second- this is an honest post. This is me struggling with anger at 5 in the morning when my little one wouldn’t stop crying for no apparent reason.
Now why in the world would I share this with the world??
Because I’m guessing that you, dear mama friend, have been there.
I’m guessing you’ve been sooooo tired you couldn’t think, and right when you thought you were about to sleep, your baby needed you again.
I bet after hours of loving, and nursing, and rocking, there was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I’m guessing you’ve gotten angry, and then I bet you have felt ashamed.
I’m guessing you have had the best of intentions but at some point have failed.
So today I wanted to tell you, my dearest sleep-deprived-mama-friend, that you are not alone.
When I was more awake, I felt ashamed. How could I get so angry inside?! Even though I was still taking care of him on the outside, I hated that angry feeling that had seized the inside.
So of course, I called my mom and asked her, what do I do?!
She told me it was normal to get angry. That I needed to learn that and watch for it – and that was helpful advice.
But I still knew I needed to do some soul searching, and talk to God about it.
I think the easy thing to do in a situation where we want our actions to change is to just tell ourselves to do better and move on.
But when we really ask ourselves good questions, we get to our beliefs, and there lies the important part.
If our beliefs don’t change, then our actions never will.
Anytime we are looking to change a behavior in ourselves, we can’t jump straight to behavior modification and expect change.
We must first ask ourselves WHY.
So I had two questions swimming in my brain that I had to wrestle through as I sunk into my chair with my Bible, pen, and prayer journal feeling ashamed.
Why am I supposed to love?
How can I love when I don’t feel like it?
My thoughts went something like this.
I’m supposed to love my child. But at midnight, and then 3am, and then 5am, it’s so hard! I know I can’t do this in my own strength. I (obviously) fail miserably at times. So, HOW CAN I do it? When I don’t have love to give, where does that love come from?
And slowly as I repented and prayed, and sought His face, this verse came to mind,
“We love because He first loved us…”
Ahhhhh God. I thought. Now we are getting somewhere. So you’re telling me that I can love Wilder because YOU first loved me.
You loved me when I was completely unlovely. When I didn’t deserve it. Before I surrendered to you.
You gave me the highest form of love you could – the sacrifice of your Son so I could be forgiven and made your daughter and heir.
You love me unequivocally.
You love me patiently and you love me perfectly.
As I was thinking all these things my heart got so full. Want to be humbled?
Think of what you were before you gave your life to Christ. Now I’m not necessarily talking about your lifestyle, but about your position before God (read Romans 3:10-12, 21-24).
So BECAUSE God has loved me so perfectly and patiently – that is why I need to show love and patience toward my sweet boy.
God calls me to be like Him, and He is always loving, and always patient.
What a marvelous thought.
And next week we will see where that amazing power to love comes from, and answer question #2 so stay tuned!!
Dear sweet mama friend, with circles under her eyes. What you are doing is SO IMPORTANT. Be filled with His love – so that you can give it to others. So that you can give it to that sweet gift of a babe cuddled in your arms. So that you are equipped at 3 in the morning. Press on, dear one. You are not alone.
Was this post encouraging to your heart? Do you have any other thoughts? Please comment below- I want to hear from you!